I see an attractive man; I immediately close myself off a bit, as if I’m really open with him.
I may lose myself with him.
I may fall so deep into him and our connection.
We may go on such a deep journey that nothing will remain the same.

I am afraid of how deeply I can go with some people.
So instead of even opening the door a little, I keep it closed.

Yet what is the trouble?
What about losing myself or going deep is a bad thing?

There is a part of me that gets scared,
kinda like when I consider taking a powerful psychedelic.
At times, there is a part of me that gets scared.
So to me, attraction explored can be quite mind-altering.

So best to just leave it, or actually, kinda bury the attraction so as not to feed it.
Don’t let that attraction grow.

I’m afraid of losing control with an attractive man.

Me not in control can be trouble.

I’m supposed to be the good girl—
so much the good girl that I shut down my genuine appreciation of deep intimacy.
I realize
I try to be the good wife.
I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.
Yet at times,
my heart aches when I shut out another so I can remain the nice good girl who does not disturb anybody by being fully alive and in LOVE.

Yet you know fucking what? LOVE IS A TROUBLEMAKER AT TIMES. Fucking shit!
It’s true.
When did love ever apologize for its feelings of aliveness and radiance,
of turn-on?
YES! Attractive men scare me because of what they can do to me,
kinda like what a psychedelic drug can do to me.